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You just experienced a heartbreaking loss. What's important is to take it one step at a time. Focus on taking care of yourself first, although that is difficult to do at times. Try to sleep and eat the best that you can. If you have children, it's hard because you also have to take care of them too. See if you can get some help. Have a friend pick up your child or children or just take them for a few hours while you rest, take a shower or just have time to grieve by yourself. Spend time with your children too. They are going to need you now more than ever. It doesn't have to be anything more than cuddling or watching TV; just be together. But remember, one step at a time. Do only what you have the energy to do. Listen to your body.
What should I do with my life?
Unless it is absolutely unavoidable, please do not make any major decisions for at least six months to a year. You're not in the right frame of mind. If you receive insurance, just put it in the bank, pay some important bills and wait until time has passed to see what you're going to do. Unexpected things come up in the first year and you do not want to make any financial mistakes or look back on decisions, such as quitting your job or moving, with regret.
Once the first year has passed you can look at your life one area at a time and start to make some decisions based on what's best for you then.
Why are my kids and I fighting so much?
I'm not a grief counselor, but it's important to remember that we all handle our grief differently. Kids act out their grief through arguments, the way that they talk to us and even regressing. Our patience level is low too. I love my children, but there are just times that having three children depend on me is just a lot to handle. So I have had to learn the hard way that I need "Lisa" time too. There is nothing wrong in getting away from them for a little while. Just go shopping by yourself, get a cup of coffee or whatever pleases you.
If they are old enough to understand, talk to your children and explain to them that they have to work with you. Look for a support group or counselor in the area for them, perhaps through your local hospital or Hospice Foundation. It will take time and a lot of hard work. However, if you notice signs of depression or other more troublesome signs, contact your pediatrician or counselor immediately.
It's just me. I have no children and no family close by. What now?
Remember, you might be young, but you’re not alone! Check out the resources on this site to find some support groups near your area. WidowNet is one of best online areas to show you that you're not alone. Go to your local church, or community center, and involve yourself with other people. Talk to your neighbors or coworkers and tell them that you feel alone. You'd be surprised at how many people want to help and don't know how to.
How come I feel like I'm handling this well. I'm not crying and I'm going about my business.
Again, I'm not a grief counselor, but everyone reacts to grief differently. Most widows I know have told me that the first six months they found themselves in a fog, but a fog that allowed them to function. The second six months they found to be harder to cope with their emotions and they cried more. Others had a harder time in the first six months and found the second six months easier. Others find the second year even harder than the first. My point is this: unless you feel like you are in a denial mode, your body and mind are helping you to cope the best way you know how. I remember how I had to focus on my children and get them through that first summer as much as I could. I just functioned daily the best that I could, but I cried really hard at the beginning of the school year and then at New Year's Eve. It was that countdown that the year was over that just got to me. Everyone is different. Don't have expectations about your grief if your hear about what someone else went through or what you think is normal. Your own grief is what's normal.
I just can't handle this anymore. What should I do?
I know. The crushing emotional pain and trying to just continue on in your life can just be overwhelming. You might have feelings of wanting to join your spouse or feelings of wondering what your life is about and why you should be the one left alone. You might have feelings of guilt. Perhaps you were not with your spouse when he or she died, couldn't help him, or you survived an accident that took her life. Again, these are all normal feelings. What's important is working through any extreme feelings. If you are feeling suicidal, PLEASE contact your local suicide prevention center right away. Don't be alone. Contact a friend or family member. Find a good resource book on grief (check my list) and find a support group or therapist. Start talking or journaling. Get your feelings out in the open. This is a long process. Losing someone is a roller coaster ride. You'll have ups and downs and twists and turns. Some parts of the ride are fast and some are slow, but you can't get off for awhile. Eventually however, you learn how to navigate those twists and turns and ups and downs a little more. Life becomes a little more manageable, you develop your own strategies for coping, especially after you’ve been on the ride for so long. No one is going to take your pain away, but you'll learn how to live with it.
When I laugh I feel guilty. What do I do?
Think of this carefully. Would your spouse want you to go the rest of your life and not laugh? My husband had a crazy sense of humor. Even in the most stressful of times, he would crack a joke. Okay, I admit, sometimes this drove me nuts! Now, however, I find myself doing the same thing. Patch Adams (rent the movie with Robin Williams; it’s great!) might have had something when he proved that laughter helps to heal. You need to live. You're still here. Don't feel guilty about laughing or living or watching a movie or seeing a play. You need to cope. Do what feels right. I know when I watched the Thursday night NBC lineup, which was OUR night to be together and plan nothing but to watch our shows, I would laugh and cry because that was 'our' night to watch tv. It took me a long time to sit down and watch it alone, but I try to picture myself with Jeff and remember the good times we had. Trust me, this isn't easy. Sometimes, I still feel guilty when I have a good day or plan a trip or something to do with the kids, especially when he's not here to see it. But that's all part of this roller coaster ride. You're going to feel guilty, but you can't stop living. Would your spouse want you to? Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. And remember, you’re not alone in this journey.
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